February 5, 2013

Lord,

I just need to talk to you, and hope to hear you through my words. Because I don't know how else to hear you.

We went through all this stuff, Bob's cancer, my cancer, Bob lost his job, used all our 401k to try and pay bills. Then we opted for bankruptcy, lost the house, rented a house, got new jobs. Still too many bills. My work was scrutinized, again, to the point where I could not go on doing this thing for Walmart. I believe that it was divine finding the job at rockin J ranch in Boswell. It fell into place so easily.

So today I gave my notice and was gone in an hour. Bob is with his brother at the Little Red River at his cabin. I am questioning my sanity, again. We will live on a 2000 acre ranch Sunday thru Thursday alone. Thursday thru Sunday the Jacksons will be at their home.

We will be with the ranch hands, 200 head of cattle, Boone the ranch dog and 2000 acres of unspoiled rolling pasture sprinkled with Pecan trees. Ponds with fish, blinds with duck, thickly wooded forests with deer and turkey. Stepping back to a quieter time, still with access to technology as needed.

Every day we will tend to things. I look forward to the simplicity. I am not a complicated person, I have lots of baggage and I make things seem complex, but simplicity suits me.

There is no question this suits Bob. He is handy, loves to be alone and loves nature. I can't wait for this to happen and I'm afraid at the same time. The change is so big and I want to handle it with grace. So many times you have gifted us with various things and we have not fulfilled your desire.

We have an opportunity to take care of somebody's prized property and help with their happiness.
I want to do a good job at this. I want to see your face and delight in your creation.

Please Lord may we please you. It is so amazing that this is going to happen, I am very thankful.

Thanks be to God.

fearful, each time i walked the corridor that
your light would be aglow with attendants ready
to catch you as you spiraled

as each garbled word would fall from your lips
i'd try to catch them to assemble into
something comprehensible

angry and pouting your eyes would seethe
into the back of someone you pretended to know
and the shadow of paranoia would hang

you'd never remember i was there
so painful to see you struggle to
breathe, eat, sleep, be

why did i return
hope was somewhere, not inside me
but behind a door i never chose

hope surprised me tonight
when you greeted me and recollected
a siblings visit that was real

the syllables before you'd saved and
reformed into intelligible phrases
once fractured on the floor

and later rays of orange beamed behind
remnants of Isaac once fierce, now
rolling slowly collecting bits of dark

hope returns to your eyes, a muted gray
now  hazel with a glint of gold
hope - a mended vessel beating in my ear

Turn the page
tears roll down my face
i hate to cry, can't breathe
lose my place

change hurts
my heart aches
to leave you behind
is more than i can take

no one said it would be easy
i knew it would be hard, make me crazy
tell me one more time why i should keep things the same
i might stay, i might go, i might make take all the blame

Say the very thing
that tears everything apart
Holding back isn't the answer
But doesn't seem so hard

Needs to be said, needs to be done
I'm gonna say it now, have to be the one
Change hurts anyway, any way you say it
Things will be better when, better than today

no one said it would be easy
i knew it would be hard, makes us both crazy
we could stay, we could go, why not keep it the same
i might stay, i might go, i might make take all the blame

i said a prayer before i went off to school
i cried at night, all alone, feeling like a fool
longing for what was, for what was tearing me apart
yearning for the future, not knowing where to start

So many yesterdays, filling my mind
don't know how to wipe the slate
leave the memories behind

I know its not easy
Never knew, it was going to drive me crazy
should i stay or should i go and become who i'm meant to be
stay or go, leave and grow, meet my destiny

Leavings not easy
Livings not easy
Saying goodbye

it nursed my scarred heart
blurred the lines of pain that
crossed my lips and seared my
mind, my brain

no liquid courage;
mine blinded rage within
sublime and filtered light that
cast a shadow still

longing for the state
it took me to...to find it
was the journey i desired
no map, no guide

the first sip
was like a thousand lovers,
the drink, like a kiss
warmth surrounding this
night, this perfect bliss

find me won't you cabernet,
the dance is perfect
until i don't know your name
and the floor falls away
and my world is spinning

dark, afraid, panic-stricken
i am with then without
either way no joy fills the
hollow, only hope is to
let you go.

Shine

Shine away Sun!
Hear the laughter, count the wagging tails, see the smiles,
All because you came out from behind a cloud for a while.

Shine away fiery orb!
Children playing and moms cleaning and dads washing cars,
And all because you showed your face today!

Shine away crazy star!
And the buds will peak and cardinals speak and worms will wriggle and children giggle,
And all you did was shine!

Shine away silly Sun!
That's all you do, sometimes we don't even know why you're laying low...
clouds blowing, rain falling.
Silly lazy sun!

Shine today Sun!
Though tonight who knows, where it is you'll go?
All we see is, that the moon is all aglow,
Funny sunny sun!

Shine again Sun!
We missed you through all the snow, when all we saw was white,
and you closed your eyes at twilight. Its not the same without you sun!

Thank you Sun!
For being just who you are, a big orangy-yellow fiery star!
Coming back just when we need your light!
But now goodnight sweet, sweet sun, goodnight!

listen

How do i find myself in this mess, this test, far less than expected.

Do i rise above the circumstance, to take a chance at a recreation of myself.
Can i become someone i only dream about and remember who i really am.
Will self doubt degenerate the vision God creates for me.
Is it not about living with a sense of truth, negating fear and clinging to the possibility.
What if there is a need that i can see but cannot hear, forever etched inside my soul.
Why do others know their purpose while i chase at shooting stars.
Who has a grand plan anyway, can't it be a simple dream.
Where will i be when i hear His voice, as a prayer singing inside of me.
When Lord will i know if i am even warm or close or in the vicinity.
Am i listening.